This is a post from me, for me, about me. I am sure J shares in my feelings but as the title says, it's my pitty party.
I have been TRYING to chose joy. I have been seeing things daily that I am thankful for. I KNOW God is working in our lives and in K's life. He has His fingerprints all over this adoption. I KNOW that this all can only have been accomplished through The Lord.
But, I FEEL sad. I feel like a robot going through my days. I do the work I am supposed to do, I drive my girls to gymnatics, I attend the Bible studies, I provide positive and supportive comments to those that are struggling, I smile to the people I am supposed to smile at, I say "Everything is fine" to who I am supposed to give that greeting to and I smile and say "No" ten times a day when asked, "Have you heard anything yet?" I try to keep it together and positive for my girls, for the public, for the other adopting friends.
So reading this post you may feel like you are reading some serious crazy person's journal. One minute your up, the next your down..... Yep, you are! Welcome to my life!!!! I am so blessed that we have a group of women that have put together a fundraiser for us. "Thank you" doesn't even begin to cover my appreciation for these women. By God's grace, this fundraiser should be it. We should be 100% fully funded for our adoption!!!! That is so exciting!! I can't even begin to tell you what a blessing these women have been to our family. I stand in amazement at the hearts God has placed K in. Yes, I ask God to do wonderous things and I still stand in amazement when He goes above my requests. I have faith and beleive in the wonderous powers of our Lord God, but I am still amazed when He exceeds my expectations, I will admit it, since I am apparently purging my emotions today.
So if I know God is in control, that he will work everything out for my good, for K's good, that He loves her beyond my human comprehension......then why do I feel like I want to curl up in a ball, under my covers and cry....only coming out when I know I need to pack? There are families in Ukraine right this very day to adopt children that they have hosted, only to have those children refuse the adoption, they went back for a blind referral from SDA, met those kids....and they refused too. Now they are going back to SDA for thier third and final referral. They are excited to see where The Lord takes them!!! Why can't I have a piece of that? I'm sitting her pouting like a 2 year old because I have not received my travel date yet. I am missing out on the thanksgiving of these precious moments while we wait.
In my defense, we have not heard from K since September 8th. That was our one and only communication with her since she moved to trade school. Her message was to tell us that she was sick with fever. I have tried to call her but her phone is shut off. I miss her. I want to be in Ukraine, hugging her, kissing her forehead, taking pictures with her. I want her to know the woman on the interent saying she's coming for her, is real. I want her to know a mother's love. I am praying for God to change my heart and my desire to stand before Him, in this uncertain time, with my hands wide open with thanksgiving. Even if I am gritting my teeth, hahaha!!!
Bring on the spaghetti to bring K home!!!!!!
Thank you! Anything I could say would be too little. Only God the Father can tackle this one. But be assured is the smallest way my prayers are with you as I am sure many more are! And with K too. I am assured if he touched a wretch like me surely he will be with you all also. I Jesus name I ask he take you cares away! Give your cares to him and ride him as the powerful wave he is!
ReplyDeleteThanks sooooo much! I truly appreciate your prayers!
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